Teaching Your Son a Gentle and Quiet Spirit: Titus 3:2

Image: Cole Wyland via Unsplash

“...to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing humility to all men” Titus 3:2 (NKJV).

I finished my “walk with God” this morning and felt the unmistakable call of McDonald’s, yes, the Golden Arches. I’m not sure if it’s the high-octane coffee or the exceptional service that I’m addicted to.

Either way, I pulled up to the speaker box and waited to place my “usual” order…one senior coffee. Black. The familiar, friendly voice encouraged me to pull around to the second window.

I wondered if my “senior” coffee would be upgraded to “large” as it usually is for the same $1.00. I’ve learned never to turn down a blessing, but to always repay double (in some way).

Pulling up to the drive-through window, I can see my “large” coffee waiting for me. I’m greeted with a bright smile and carefully handed my molten lava-hot coffee as if I’m the only customer who “really” matters.

No one is in line behind me.

I ask “Maria” how her son is doing. She had told me last week that he was playing football and their team had won. She clapped her hands with joy and let out a wooohooo! Clearly, Maria is a proud and loving mom.

But today was different. Her smile turned to an exaggerated frown, like a clown shifting from happy to sad.

Maria said, “I have to meet with the Principal after school today. My son and a few other boys have been bullying another boy.”

There is Nothing New Under the Sun

I thought about all the years I spent working with parents just like Maria and their sons. “...There is nothing new under the sun,” said The Preacher, King Solomon (see Ecclesiastes 1:9).

Unfortunately, bullying is nothing new; it is as unacceptable today as it has ever been. Maybe it’s worse today.

Social media and the culture surrounding it mistake gentleness for weakness. It makes the gentle and quiet spirit easy targets for bullies who see few consequences for their harmful behaviors.

But gentleness isn't weakness or timidity—unless we would consider Jesus weak or timid! True gentleness is power under control, Christ-like strength that chooses restraint over retaliation.

But all this can change if there is a change of Spirit within the person.

Inside each one of us, there is both a bully and a gentle and quiet spirit waiting for encouragement. The one most encouraged is often the one that is expressed the most.

However, people, both young and old, can learn to change their behavior through encouragement and environmental influences, regardless of whether they are believers or non-believers.

In the past, teaching people how to prevent bullying was part of my job. Now, encouraging people to replace the bully with a gentle and quiet Spirit is part of my responsibility as an ambassador of Christ.

Even in the secular world, where we do our work for the Lord, it’s commonly accepted that whatever was once learned can be unlearned and relearned.

So how do we make sense of this Biblically?

Bullying as a Lust of the Flesh

In Galatians Chapter 5, the Apostle Paul distinguishes between the “Lust of the Flesh” and the “Fruit of the Spirit.” He first reminds us that the law is fulfilled in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” However, between simple knowledge and mastery, there is a wide gap. That is, easier said than done.

Paul gives us a list of characteristics of the lust of the flesh. Among them are “hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, and ambitions” (Galatians 5:19-20 (NKJV). Sounds like stuff bullying is made of.

Thus, if we recognize that the lusts of the flesh are sin and part of the human condition, we see bullying for what it is–A spiritual problem that has psychological, emotional, and behavioral consequences.

Teaching Your Son a Gentle and Quiet Spirit

So what? Just because we recognize that bullying is a sin doesn’t mean that awareness alone will change the behavior. Bullying often satisfies a need for power and a desire for belonging.

Needs for power and belonging with their associated sins aren’t easily replaced among mature Christians, so why would we expect more gentleness and self-control among young boys?

So what do we do if what has been tried isn’t working? Get closer to the person in the world and let heaven come to them.

What would Yoda say?

Maybe we could ask a question: What would Yoda say about bullying? Hummm…

"A Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware. Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny." (The Empire Strikes Back)

No, I’m not saying that quoting Yoda from Star Wars will change Darth Vader into Luke Skywalker overnight. Only God can bring about an “I see the Light” moment like that.

Boys don’t become bullies overnight, and without Holy Spirit intervention, they won’t express a gentle and quiet Spirit overnight either. Progress in that direction is what we plan for and pray for.

Of course, we don't live in a galaxy far, far away, and we're not training Jedi knights. However, the principle remains: transformation occurs through consistent guidance, clear boundaries, and helping young people discover their strength in positive ways rather than destructive ones.

In a Perfect World (or with Divine Intervention): Fruit of the Spirit

In a perfect world, or with Divine Intervention, parents would sit down with their kids, open the Bible, and read the following from the Apostle Paul:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Against such there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23.

And then, the kids would say, “Got it, Mom and Dad! Thanks for teaching us a lesson that will have eternal benefits.” Mom and Dad will look at each other and say, "Is that all it takes?"

We chuckle at how absurd this sounds, but in the immortal words of Elwood Blues, “The Lord works in mysterious ways” (The Blues Brothers).

So the first question for all parents who have a son who is a bully is this: Have you sat down with him and read Galatians 5:22-23? If not, why not? God may be waiting to work in a mysterious way through you and your faith in Him.

In an Imperfect World: Modeling a Gentle and Quiet Spirit

The unfortunate truth is that bullying is encouraged in the world (school, online, media, etc.) and at home. If parents aren't modeling a gentle and quiet spirit (hopefully, as evidence of the Holy Spirit within them), then kids are tacitly encouraged to become bullies themselves.

So, parents, continue to study your Bible and apply the fruit of the Spirit in your lives. You are still your son's greatest role model, even if you don't always possess the wisdom of Yoda, and certainly not that of Jesus.

That's a good thing. It provides an opportunity to demonstrate humility, which is closely related to gentleness.

A Controversial Suggestion for Christian Parents of Bullies: Martial Arts Training

What I've recommended in the past, and continue to do so, is martial arts training for not only the person being bullied but the bully themself.

Why? Because proper martial arts training can cultivate the kind of gentleness and quiet spirit that approximates gentleness as fruit of the Spirit. Traditional martial arts emphasize discipline over aggression, respect over dominance, and self-control over impulsiveness. Students learn to channel their physical strength and emotional energy in constructive ways within a structured environment that demands mutual respect between their instructor and peers.

Bruce Lee famously said: "The most dangerous person is the one who listens, thinks, and observes. Sometimes it's the quietest guy in the room that might be the most dangerous." This captures the essence of true strength—power under control. The martial artist learns that real power isn't about dominating others, but about mastering oneself.

Read the interview I did with Mike Deegan, owner and instructor at Iron Mantis Martial Arts Academy in Kerrville, Texas.

Please understand me. Gentleness, as fruit of the Spirit, can't be taught; however, if we are trying to encourage a shift from bullying to gentleness, there must be a sense of power and belonging "payoff" for the individual to move from one behavior to another.

Remember, the power and belonging payoff that comes from being in a group of bullies is the same as being among a group of martial artists. The attitude and expression, however, are much different. In martial arts, power comes from mastering yourself rather than intimidating others, and belonging is earned through dedication and respect rather than fear and exclusion.

As humility is related to gentleness, so too is self-control. Martial artists can teach Christians a great deal about self-control and discipline.

The Path Forward

The journey from bullying to gentleness isn't a quick fix—it's a transformation that requires patience, prayer, and practical steps. The goal isn't to make our sons weak or timid, but to help them understand that true strength is power under control—the same strength Jesus displayed when He could have called down legions of angels but chose the way of sacrificial love instead.

Whether through opening God's Word together, modeling the fruit of the Spirit in our daily lives, or exploring unconventional paths like martial arts training, we must meet our sons where they are and guide them toward who God calls them to be. Maria's meeting with the principal this afternoon is just the beginning. The real work starts at home, one conversation and one prayer at a time.