Proverbs 21:23 Self-Control and the Tongue

Image: Jon Tyson via Unsplash

“Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles.” (Proverbs 21:23, NKJV).

Wouldn’t it be great if life were like cuts in a movie or editing a YouTube video? The actors have rehearsed their lines, they take their places, and ACTION!

Oooops! There’s one for the bloopers reel!

Take 2…ACTION! You can keep editing until you get it right, and no one is the wiser.

But real life is more like pressing the record button when we wake up in the morning and not pressing stop until the end of the day. Life’s an improvisation.

For many scenes, you only have one chance to get it right. Get it wrong, and suffer the consequences for the rest of your life. We ALL know this. We've heard it preached, read it in Proverbs, maybe even taught it to our kids. Spoken words matter.

We know we can’t edit out the harsh words we said to a loved one or the condescending tone we used with a coworker. But we do it anyway!

And then the loop cycle begins, it looks like this, maybe you’ll recognize it:

• “Trigger”

• Blow up

• Regret

• Apologize

• Promise never to do it again

• Honeymoon

• Loop/Repeat

And then at the end of the day, as we lie awake, God presses play in our mind’s eye and says, “Watch this…” The day’s highlights, the “thrills of victory and the agony of defeat,” are brought back to life in living color.

But when we come to the scenes when our words and actions have hurt those we care about most, God just keeps hitting the rewind and replay button. We see, over and over, the tears and pain our words caused—no doubt they are replaying the same tape in their minds.

Self-Control and the Tongue

Most believers get the concept of guarding their tongue; it's not too difficult to comprehend, but nearly impossible to apply. Why is this?

I could answer this from many different personality and counseling theories. Each may give a reasonable explanation. However, the core issue with self-control and the tongue isn't psychological, emotional, or behavioral; it's spiritual.

If so, let's consider what Scripture says through the writings of James, the half-brother of Jesus.

In James Chapter 3, we get a powerful explanation of self-control and the tongue. We understand exactly why we can't guard our mouth and tongue on our own—the problem is sin.

James starts by warning teachers—and yes, that probably includes bloggers like me!—because words carry weight and consequences.

He uses vivid metaphors—a small bridle controlling a powerful horse, a tiny rudder steering a massive ship—to show how something small can have a huge impact. But then comes the reality check: only a perfect person can control their tongue. And spoiler alert: none of us is perfect.

James pulls no punches regarding the tongue: "And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell." (James 3:6, NKJV).

James isn't finished. He reminds us that humans have tamed wild beasts, birds, even sea creatures—but "no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison" (James 3:8). And here's the kicker: "With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God" (James 3:9). The same mouth that sings worship songs on Sunday curses his nextdoor neighbor on Monday.

So if no human can tame their tongue, then how can we possibly stay out of that destructive loop cycle from hell?

Here's the unfortunate truth: Without God, it's impossible. Human willpower, psychotherapy, self-help strategies, and accountability partners—none of it is enough. We can't "edit" our way out of this problem. We need divine intervention.

The Hope: We Can't, But God Can

So if we can't tame our tongues on our own, are we doomed to that destructive cycle forever?

Thank God—literally—the answer is no.

Look again at Proverbs 21:23: "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles."

Notice that word: guards. It's active, intentional, and ongoing. You are standing watch. You're the gatekeeper with the whole armor of God. But you only have this because the blood of Christ redeems you.

And here's the key: you're not guarding alone.

When we surrender control to the Holy Spirit, something shifts. Self-control is no longer about "self"—it's a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). It's something God grows IN us, not something we develop through psycho-emotional maturity.

The question isn't "Can I control my tongue?" The question is: "Will I let God help me guard it?"

The Pause Button: A Practical Tool

Back in the day, when we used to rent Blockbuster videos, if you needed to take a break to make popcorn, we'd say "POKE PAUSE!" Silly, I know. Stick with me.

When you experience the "trigger" and you feel the blow-up words rising—the sarcastic jab, the cutting remark—you need a practical tool.

The Pause Button.

Before words leave your mouth, POKE PAUSE!

In that pause:

• Stop. Don't do or say a word.

• Breathe. Take one deep breath.

• Pray. A micro-prayer: "God, help" or "Lord, give me Your words."

• Ask. "Will I regret this tomorrow?"

Poke Pause gives just enough time and space for the Holy Spirit to intervene. That is, for the person to receive Godly wisdom over natural emotion.

David understood this. In Psalm 141:3, he prayed: "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips."

The pause is where you invite God to be that guard.

What "Trouble" Are We Avoiding?

Proverbs 21:23 promises that guarding our tongue keeps us "from troubles." What troubles?

Relational trouble. Words build walls. One careless comment can damage years of friendship.

Spiritual trouble. When our words don't match our witness, we confuse people about who God is.

Internal trouble. That nighttime replay reel—the regret, the shame—steals your peace.

Reputational trouble. Your words build or destroy your reputation everywhere.

The wisdom of Proverbs 21:23 is less about stuffing your feelings and more about God's protection.

This Week's Challenge: Pray Before You Vent

When something triggers you—frustration, hurt, anger—take it to God FIRST.

Simple prayers:

• "God, I'm so upset. Help me process this."

• "Lord, I want to explode. Give me Your perspective."

• "Father, stop me before I cause damage."

Why this works: It breaks the automatic loop. Instead of trigger → blow up, you insert: trigger → pray → respond.

Bonus: Keep a note on your phone. Write what you WANTED to say versus what you ACTUALLY said after praying.

Grace for the Replay Reel

If you're thinking about all the times you've blown it—there's grace.

If the Holy Spirit is bringing someone to mind—someone you've hurt with your words—that may be an invitation. Maybe this is the right time to offer that apology.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins" (1 John 1:9).

God isn't hitting replay to shame you. He's offering power to write different scenes going forward.

The Bottom Line

You can't tame your tongue alone. But with God, you can guard it.

Poke the pause button! Pray before you vent. Invite the Holy Spirit to stand watch.

Your tongue can be a source of life or death (Proverbs 18:21). This week, choose life.

Related Fruit of the Spirit Posts:

• Biblical Self-Control: What Christians Can Learn from Martial Artists

• A Gentle Spirit Before God: A Story

• Biblical Patience: Staying Calm in Life's Pressure Cooker